â€œI am one of those who never knows the direction of my journey until I have almost arrivedâ€ ~ Anna Louise Strong
Life is often viewed as ‘a journey’ when in reality it is a series of journeys that lead the unsuspectingÂ down winding pathsÂ intoÂ uncharted territory.
These past few years, I have been travelingÂ through uncharted territory in my life. The territory of being a fully matured adult. I heard the phrase yesterday, “stunted growth in maturity.” Although the speaker wasn’t referring toÂ me, personally,Â as soon as the words flowed from the lips of the speaker, I knew the words had significant meaning. It was a nice, new sticky label to slap on the cover of the book called, “The Life and Times of PrairieWoman”.
There are those who will say that living your life in perpetual youth,Â or the perceived youth is ok, in fact, admirable, when in fact, it is the very thing that causes one to stunt their potential to achieve great things.
My interpretation of ‘stunted growth in maturity’ is an individual who lacks refinement in manners, confidence, and the basics of self-esteem in general. All of these lackings are very apparent to the stunted, but are evidenced in the tendency to over-compensate for them.
Over compensations can, and sometimes do, manifest in the forms of confrontational or accusatory communication methods; taking certain exchanges personally; or the manifestation of competitive behavior.
I had convinced myself, in these last years, that I was becoming something more than I was when, in fact, it was nothing more than a masking of the obvious.
My self-esteem and confidence had tanked far lower than it had ever been in my life. This is evidenced in the incredible weight gain I have experienced, my new found love for the hermit lifestyle I have adopted, and my social ineptitude.
For many years I have lived my life for everyone, but me. I have bent over backwards for my family, my children, my bosses, my co-workers, and a myriad of other people who have crossed my path.
I found that whenever I did try to step out of the old stunted me, one of two things, or both, would happen:Â people would feel threatened by me out of fear I was going to leave them; or I was going to replace them.
In both instances I felt compelled to backdown from my position. Unfortunately, all this backing down has created a cold spot inside ofÂ me. I haven’t donned the crown of the ‘Ice Queen’, but a Lady of the Court; definitely.
If you will recall in January of this year, I wrote the blog posting, Torn Wings, where I stated, “…I findÂ myselfÂ suffocating in the cage in which I find myself.Â Â I try to take flight and soar on the winds,Â only toÂ find my wings beating futilelyÂ against the clear glass walls of my cage.Â I have been caught; caged in a world of clarity.Â The clear knowledge that I cannot escape.Â The knowledge that my wings will never be used.”
This was my first clue that something was amiss in my life. The statement made yesterday was the clinching factor that I had no idea my journey was leading me to this place. The journey begins with one step and I know where the direction of my journey is heading as I have almost arrived.